Hi everyone, I should not be writing right now, since I’m 1 second to falling asleep. There is another good reason for that: I might just write how I feel about how I fail in most of the things I really like because generally, at that time of the night, every feeling that I have about myself is boosted times 100. I realise that this website is not a diary and that there is almost 40 people who are going to read this, but since I need to share how I’m feeling during lockdown sometimes, it’s a perfect opportunity.
It’s perfectly normal to feel a little depressed about something from time to time, especially if something really sad happened not so long ago in your life. In my case, nothing in particular happened to me lately. I think that when you give your best at something you really feel is going to turn out just fine, and doesn’t, you kind of want to abandon it totally… For example, when you have a passion like physics, generally understand most of what you’re learning of just reading; but then, the teacher introduces a new concept and you feel like you’re the only one to not understand it and the teacher won’t care whether you get it or not, and you can’t find any complementary information to help you out, some people would feel useless, completely dumb and that they suck at it. It’s like that one second, that one glitch that makes you feel like a tiny rock being thrown into a really, really deep well by a normal kid.
Let me tell you something, I might be thinking this as I am writing, but that kid, is your mind. It’s called pessimism and I really don’t like it if you know what I mean! It kind of gets me EVERYTIME to be honest. As an example, I have been playing the piano for 3 years and a half, on my own, but really often, I end up thinking “I suuuuuuck, why did I even put my fingers on these keys years ago?!” right after having thrown all my anger on my innocent keyboard.
You know what? This week, I built a grand piano shell for my synthesiser made exclusively out of cardboard, unfortunately, making it in only 3 to 4 days didn’t even make me proud of my creation, even though it’s just as I imagined it and stand pretty still (it also takes 1/4 of the remaining space in my bedroom). Now I’m not really telling a magical way to become satisfied with yourself and with what you do because it’s the most difficult thing to do for me but I know that 50% of the time, when my self-confidence is super low, it’s mostly because I’m tired and that in this state, finding a solution to what I’m doing is absolutely impossible. So just…chill out, go to bed, go eat a little, drink something refreshing, to get energetic and good enough to get back to what you were doing. As I said, I works, sometimes… Actually confinement slowly makes me realise how important sleep is. I think I should go to bed by the way.
One last little comment on my usual behaviour… I know you might sometimes feel like I’m looking down on other students or on you, and I’m really sorry for that. I actually don’t know why I do that, I even look down on myself ALL THE TIME and I don’t like it… I really want to change the way I’m acting in public, in class with everyone…but the thing is that I have no idea what I could start with…it’s all blur in my head, who I think I am for example. I’m basically always asking the same friends to help me because I feel like they are the kind of people to solve personal issues haha. Anyway, I have some time to work on myself so I think I could try!
P.S.: This post is clearly not as great as the previous ones but it’s late so good night everyone!
Brahms
Ms. Hubbard
Great post because it addresses how most of us feel! If Internet and memes have shown us anything is that these “bad” feelings are universal and I, too, have sleepless nights where I dwell on my failures or embarrassments. I appreciate your vulnerability, your self-awareness and your willingness to change. It’s all very positive.
Brahms
Thank you so much! ☺